so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
