She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
