____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
