Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
