Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
