The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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