I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
it's like iHOP with fire
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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