She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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