I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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