I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
