i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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