I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
