I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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