he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
