I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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