Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
