Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
