I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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