Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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