I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
