Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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