After last night, I could never be a politician.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
