If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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