The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think a kid would responsible me up
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
