the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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