Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
