I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
