I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
