I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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