that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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