I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
