i would punch a child for taco bell
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
