I accidentally burped into my bong.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
