Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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