Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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