I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
