I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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