I hate your face
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
