I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
