ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
