On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
