We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
