Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
