I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
