What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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