once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
