We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
