This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
