My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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