mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize