He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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