Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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