he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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