Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize