Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize