my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize