Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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