hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
