Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
